I haven’t been at this project for two weeks yet, and I already I’m doubting my sanity. I was posting on my blog the other day, pasting in my latest day’s work, when I realized that my brain may have blown a gasket somewhere down the road of good intentions. I mean, what if I’m doing all this work and no one is reading it? What if no one will ever – EVER – read it? What if I’m just a big joke – the guy that has big dreams but never the talent to pull it off?

                I’m sure everyone doubts themselves from time to time, but I’m beginning to realize that I’ve never really been too sure of myself – never believed in myself. I have no idea if my writing is good. I mean, sure, my family and friends tell me it is, but no matter how unbiased someone tries to be, they are naturally rooting for me and my success. That has to be a factor to some extent. So how will I know? How can I ever believe I’m good enough?

                Intellectually, I can see that recognition of talent from outside my usual circle would be a start – even an honorable mention in a writing contest would be a thrill. Just having anyone in the industry say “this isn’t half bad” would give me a boost I could ride for years. Seeing my name in print, whether for a poem or a piece of short fiction, would send me over the moon. So, yeah, intellectually, I know what would give me some hope, but how can I keep going in the meantime?

                I wish I had the answer.

                Day after day, I wonder if I’m wasting my time – time that I could spend with my family, or at the very least, time that I could spend on something that would put more money in the bank or more fulfillment in my heart. I guess, if I’m honest, I can admit that sometimes I keep going because I’m too stubborn to stop. I WANT to be a writer. I NEED to be a writer. How can I possibly stop before I AM a writer? How can I quit running when, for all I know, the finish line could be just around the next turn?

                Maybe you and I are different. Maybe you’ve been through so many creative writing workshops that you feel you have what it takes. Perhaps you know someone on the “inside” and know that, good or not, your work will be seen. Maybe you self-published some of your work and have spent the last few years developing a fan base. Good for you. Seriously. It just isn’t that easy for me.

                So, here I sit – typing away – hoping it isn’t all in vain. Tomorrow is January 13^th – and I plan to keep on writing.

“The Longest Road is from my head to my heart. That’s where the journey starts.”