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Day 1(C.A.H.):Bedlam Street
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Topic: Day 1(C.A.H.):Bedlam Street (Read 469 times)
CoercedAntiHero
Newbie
Posts: 3
Day 1(C.A.H.):Bedlam Street
«
on:
January 29, 2009, 02:02:36 AM »
Bedlam Street
by C.A.H
He daydreamed about the walk, and
the rustling of trees as each step
brought him closer. The clean sidewalk,
a path chosen at random the day before,
was ignorant of Bryce Henderson and
his intentions. Everyone on that street
was ignorant of him and his intentions also;
which, made this visit more - seductive.
In order to seduce, whether: object,
place, person, or action, there must exist
the tiniest form of desire within. Bryce desired.
His voracious appetite was calmed only by
the ecstacy of anticipation. This feeling spilled
onto paper through Bryce's favorite pencil.
The drawings became a barometer of the swelling,
the anticipation - the caldera that grew deep
underground. His breath escaped, gaseous vapor
venting before eruption, while the sweltering
fervor spread slowly; yet, it still was contained
within.
Bryce Henderson, worker, father, and
consumer of a daily dose of coffee every morning,
stepped (as he had imagined many times before)
onto the sidewalk, and into the view of rustling
trees. Placid homes, parked cars, and three kids
playing with their dog all seemed outside of his perception,
blurred. The man the kids saw was also a blur,
out of focus while they payed attention to their
infantile adventures. The swashbuckling pirate
parried an attack with a smile as the beastly
monster attempted to pounce and lick his cheek.
He crept nonchalantly like frost forming on
a window through the still street until his cold
hands grasped a doorknob. The fervor and bedlam which
resided in his heart and mind were now replaced with
chilling anxiety and doubt. Anticipation, the
driving force ceased. Bryce stood, stolid for a moment
with his hand still on the doorknob, until
the swashbucklers appeared in the corner of his right eye.
He turned and locked eyes with one of the children.
For a brief moment, a cold-eyed glare, the anxiety left
and bedlam stirred. The bulwark that held it all in
broke with a reminder of past days.
That moment did not last long, not long enough
for both parties to truly ponder about. After that moment
Bryce's world became a blur which reappeared into focus
on his way home away from Bedlam Street. He finished,
relieved of the desire temporarily.
They're all blurs, he thought, just faceless random
blurs.
The only witness, the boy in a pirate costume, saw him
fully. Saw him go inside a random house, at a random street,
and just as randomly leave with a stoic, random, blurred face.
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«
Last Edit: January 29, 2009, 11:13:11 AM by CoercedAntiHero
»
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The Write Crowd
Administrator
Newbie
Posts: 13
Re: Day 1(C.A.H.):Bedlam Street
«
Reply #1 on:
January 30, 2009, 02:00:36 AM »
Very intriguing, CAH. I liked it. Every writer has their own style, and yours certainly differs from mine, but it kept hold of me as I read. If I find anything negative, it's that I wished it was a bit longer.
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scottbad100
Administrator
Newbie
Posts: 6
Re: Day 1(C.A.H.):Bedlam Street
«
Reply #2 on:
February 03, 2009, 10:01:24 PM »
I enjoyed it as well. Good job!
Logged
dimples
Newbie
Posts: 15
Re: Day 1(C.A.H.):Bedlam Street
«
Reply #3 on:
February 08, 2009, 02:20:29 AM »
I like it.
Something seems to be wrong with the following sentence: "The only witness, the boy in a pirate costume, saw him fully." Maybe it will sound better if you say, "There was only one witness, the boy in a pirate costume, who saw him fully."
I'm trying to figure out how the drawings relate to the rest of the story. Am I missing something, or do you need to explain something further in your story?
Overall, I think it's good writing, and I'm glad you've joined thewritecrowd.
Logged
"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
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